I Rule the World. Where's My Pie?
Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad's comments last Thursday to Islamic leaders that "Jews rule the world by proxy" has led to outrage here in the United States where young, downwardly-mobile Jews demand, "I rule the world. Where's my damn pie?"
"I don't know, man," proclaims Jeff Schoenfeld, a minimum-wage desk clerk in Santa Monica, California, "I'm pissed. I just found out my religion rules the world. What the hell am I doing in my one-room apartment in Mar Vista driving my piece of crap car, when my brethren are secretly setting the price of oil in some back room?"
Schoenfeld's sentiments are echoed throughout lower-income Jewish households, where tensions rise against their newly-outed world-dominating Jewish neighbors. Alissa Friedman, a pizza delivery woman in the Bronx, says, "It kinda takes the wind out of your sails. You work your butt off, study hard, graduate, and then get turned down by every company you apply for. And then to find out your own people are behind the whole thing. Any one of them could have said, No, hey, Alissa's with us. Let her in. They were probably just watching and laughing."
Reflecting upon her Jewish past, Alissa recalls, "Maybe it's because I dropped out of Hebrew school after my Bat Mitzvah. The temple made me promise to stick with my Jewish education through twelfth grade, but no one does. After the ceremony, it's like, what's the point? Shit. I bet that was it. Guess I should have stuck with."
In fact, studies show Alissa's decision represents that of an overwhelming majority of American Jews. The Center for World Wide Jewish Domination, WWJD, reports that 99.98% of Jews drop out of Hebrew school after completing their Bar or Bat Mitzvah. "After the Bar Mitzvah is when we let students in on our Vast Underground Jewish Conspiracy," admits an anonymous higher-echelon Jewish source. "The training is intense, but for those who stick with it, controlling the world by proxy is one of the most rewarding things a Jew can do."
In response to criticism from President Bush, who proclaimed he knew many Jews with little say in world politics, Prime Minister Mahathir amended his remarks to say, "No, of course I did not mean that an organized conspiracy exists among all Jews. Most Jews themselves are blissfully unaware of the power of a handful of their people." At great risk to himself, Mahathir then provided a list of the innerworkings of the World Wide Jewish Conspiracy, and revealed that the world is not run by all Jews, but by two: Alex Steinberg of Spokane, Washington, and Mark Shapiro of Poughkeepsie, New York.
According to Mahathir the two met in college, struck up an immediate friendship, and started an internet company from their dormroom. From there, unbeknownst to most Americans, Mark and Alex managed to "weasel their way into every part of our social, economic, and political life, from the temperature of the water that comes out of our faucets when we brush our teeth to the situation in East Timor." Mark and Alex were unavailable for comment.
Mahathir also suggested less powerful, but certainly prominent Jewish parties partly responsible for the decline of civilization as we know it, ranging from film director Steven Spielberg to computer businessman William Gates III. When commentators pointed out Bill Gates was not Jewish, Mahathir replied, "The schmuck might as well have been."